Fish and flames just don't mix.At first, I thought Tinder to be a fascinating concept.
Mostly because it removed several of the creepiness factors of traditional online dating. For instance, I was never interested in talking some guy living in Florida. Sorry, but what's the point? Here's a good summary of how Tinder works.
And before you go thinking "this girl is just going to rant and ramble about how she couldn't get dates and is bitter about being single", please know that I don't sit aloft in my princess tower, and that I am quite happy with my great life. (These ideas will be explored in a future post.) But I did give Tinder more than a year of my time. A year in which I did go on a goodly number of dates and "meet" many new people. A year of feeding kindling to a small pile of coals eventually leads to a scorching inferno that really can't lead to finding the right fish for you. In the end, isn't it all about fishing for your soulmate?
I thought, surely this nifty gadget will solve a great deal of our social & communication problems in this city of thousands of single twenty-somethings! But much like a pyre of combustibles awaiting to be torched, kindling can easily be turned into a raging blaze. Beautiful, yet dangerous.
Tinder feeds the embers in your mind with the idea that "there are always more fish in the sea". If you were at a party (you know, meeting people in real life), would you conceivably line up a row of girls or guys and talk to them all simultaneously? Asking personal questions, telling jokes and stories and flirting and flirting and flirting some more? Then shoo some away simply because you don't like the way their hair looks in a picture 6 years old? You wouldn't get very far if you did.
Communication on an editable platform like this really doesn't show you who a person is or how you're going to feel when you are physically around them. Chemistry can't be determined from looking at some pictures and reading what a person had to say about themselves. It's a lot like reading a book, falling in love with a fictional character, and then meeting said character only to realize that it's just an actor and you actually don't know who they are outside of what they've elected to show you via said book analogy.
Why are you waiting for the elusive spark of chemistry to fly out of your cell phone and hit you in the face? (Hint: it's not going to).
5 Ways to Find Actual, Beaker-Measurable Chemistry
- Attend social events and meet new people. Don't stalk said new people on the internet.
- Have actual discussions about vulnerable issues, things that are important to you & them.
- Learn to ask questions about everything. Perhaps make an investment in yourself with a book like this: 4,000 Questions for Getting to Know Anyone and Everyone
- Spend time with new friends and trust your gut about how you feel when you're around them.
- Try not to edit yourself too much. Don't think about showing people who you want them to see. Be yourself.
If you can't handle the idea of getting to know one particular fish because you are so passionately curious to know what the next fish on the list is going to look like, you may not be responsible enough for the inferno you've just dived into, mistakenly thinking it was a lake overflowing with perfect fish. In this case, refer to this lesson (applies to ladies & gents alike).
My point, dear readers, is not that internet-based communication is bad. If used properly this type of communication can be great. But it is currently having an overall negative effect on our ability to communicate to new people without editing ourselves to the point of only showing the semi-fictional character we want others to see us as, rather than who we really are.
Watch this. All of it.
The Innovation of Loneliness from Shimi Cohen on Vimeo.
